I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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