You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
