3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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