I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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