Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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