Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
