If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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