i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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