Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
