I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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