I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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