You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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