break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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