Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
