I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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