She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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