god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
