I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
