the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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