yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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