my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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