my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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