I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
