A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
