My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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