Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I licked your asshole in confidence.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
