I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
