My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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