The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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