I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
