Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
should my penis look like a turkey
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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