I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
