meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
