We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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