I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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