I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
