I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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