I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
