Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
