Already got asked if we're dating
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
