I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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