piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
time to smoke my breakfast
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
