Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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