A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
