Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
