Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
