ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize