Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
