Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
