I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
