I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
