I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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