I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
