I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
