now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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