He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the day after is always just damage control
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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