Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize