so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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