I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
