There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize