saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
are you so shy because you have an std?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
