i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
